Rebuilding Self-Esteem After Childhood Trauma

Self Esteem isn’t everything, but there is nothing without it

Self-esteem is a crucial aspect of our lives, influencing how we feel about ourselves and how we interact with the world around us. It is the foundation of our self-worth and self-confidence. However, for many individuals, self-esteem can be shattered due to traumatic experiences, especially if the trauma occurred during their childhood.

Childhood is a time of growth and development, where our experiences shape our beliefs and perceptions about ourselves, and the world.

Unfortunately for me, my experience included abuse, neglect, physical abuse and sexual assault. This shaped my ability to see myself as a valuable human being, leaving me with beliefs that I was unworthy, unlovable and expendable, I could lose everything in my life, all safety and security, as the people that were supposed to love me were the very people who removed my dignity and replaced it with shame.

As a child in an abusive and neglectful house, I was fed that my reality was being unworthy, inadequate and unlovable. I was left with depression, anxiety and mental health issues.

Unsurprisingly I struggled with trying to figure out how to rebuild my self esteem well into my adulthood, not understanding, or trusting anything that seemed to see some level of value in me. However, it is so important to understand that self esteem can be built from the inside out, from the ground up if you will, you can have a fulfilling life despite the trauma that took it away from you.

 Acknowledge the Trauma:

For me first step towards rebuilding my self-esteem after childhood trauma was acknowledging the trauma itself. I tended to push away the memories of my past experiences as a coping mechanism. This led me to denying the impact it had on my life. I could not recognize the trauma that happened to me was what has destroyed my self esteem. Instead, I suppressed it and hid it behind anger and hostility toward the world.

Seek Professional Help:

Rebuilding my self-esteem after the trauma I had experienced as a child was a very challenging journey and I had to find a way to help myself. I have seen many therapists and counselors along the way, each serving to help me find a safe space to process my emotions and work through my trauma. Practice Self-Care:

When our self-esteem is shattered, we often neglect taking care of ourselves. This can include physical, emotional, and mental self-care. I struggle with self care, it is so foreign to me, it feels uncomfortable.

I do work on Engaging in activities that bring me joy,  practicing  self-compassion at times seems like a huge mountain to climb, I take it one step at a time.

Challenge Negative Thoughts:

Negative beliefs about oneself are common after experiencing childhood trauma. My beliefs were deeply ingrained in me, it felt like the truth. However, it was essential that I challenged these negative thoughts, working on replacing them with more positive and realistic ones. This takes time and effort, but with practice, it has helped me improve my sense of self.

Surround Yourself with Supportive People:

The people we surround ourselves with can have a significant impact on our self-esteem. After experiencing childhood trauma, I surrounded myself with people who needed me instead of people that loved me or valued me, I actively sought out people that were not the nicest people in the world, I was replicating what I knew, people that were unsafe, that used my kindness to their advantage, and all of this made me feel normal.

Finding safe people and learning how to interact with them has taken me on a long journey of seeking help which included some friends, family members, and support groups.

Practice Self-Compassion:

Self-compassion involves being kind and understanding towards oneself. After experiencing trauma, I developed a deep sense of shame and self-blame. Practicing self compassion is often challenging the negative tapes that run constantly in our heads, often it stopped me from believing in what I could do, versus what I was told I could achieve as a child.

Set Realistic Goals:

Setting realistic goals for myself was an essential step in building who I am, to this day I fight those tapes that run and tell me I am worthless. I work on goals that are achievable, focused on my personal growth and well-being. I celebrate the small wins, and some days that’s getting out of bed.

Accept Imperfections:

Perfectionism is a coping mechanism for those struggling with low self-esteem. When we are raised in an environment of chaos. I tried to be the best child I could, I believed if I was perfect then my parents would love me, and the abuse would stop, it did not. I set unrealistic expectations for myself in everything I did, work, home, education, how I speak, how I appear to others. I am working on accepting my imperfections and understanding that no one is perfect.

Let Go of Guilt:

Many individuals like me who have experienced trauma, feel guilty for the abuse we suffered. Perpetrators would often tell me why I deserved to be treated so badly, as a child I believed them this impacted me to the point of shutting down. The guilt can be overwhelming and may hinder the healing process. It is essential to recognize that the trauma was not your fault and work on the guilt you may be carrying. I recognise its not an easy battle to win, and we must take it one fight at a time.

Find Meaning and Purpose:

Trauma left me lost, without a sense of purpose or direction. I spent my youth attempting to show the world I had worth, only to realize the person I was trying to convince was me. Eventually I found helping others in a healthy way, helped me heal, I also discovered that I had passion for things, I had never acknowledged any of this before.

In conclusion

while self-esteem may feel like something we will never feel, It is possible to rebuild it after experiencing childhood trauma. It takes time, effort, and support, but with the right mindset and tools, we can overcome the damaging effects of trauma and live a fulfilling life. Remember to be patient and kind to yourself throughout this process and seek help when needed. You are worthy of love and happiness.